For the last day of Pride Month, I decided to write a post on my sexuality. I am demisexual. You are probably wondering either “What’s that” or “I already know that, kind of”. No matter which camp you currently reside in, I believe this post can be educational. At least, I hope so. Firstly, I am not an expert on sexuality and I will never pretend to be one. All I can be is myself and talk about my experiences and share my knowledge with the rest of the world. Sounds good? Onwards to the topic of demisexuality.
Without explanation, I assume everyone reading this post knows the definition of heterosexuality and homosexuality. They are clear-cut and easy to understand- you have sexual desire for either the opposite sex or the same sex. A high percentage of the population around the 90 percentile range falls into one of these sexualities. Now, what is left? Bisexuality is next where you have sexual desire for both sexes. Then, you have pansexuality where you have sexual desire for everyone, regardless of what sex they are now or what they were in the past. Furthermore, you arrive at asexuality which is on the opposite end of the spectrum where you do not have any sexual desire for either sexes. Putting aside romantic feelings because that is in a whole other category of its own, sexual feelings for the most part fall into one of the above that I just mentioned.
Now, in order to explain demisexuality, I would need to grab a magnifying glass and examine the last sexuality discussed above- asexuality. Asexuality is a sexuality that people cannot comprehend. One of our driving forces as human beings is to survive and procreate with one another so the species can live on. Even if biologically, we cannot, we have this instinct within us to be as physically close to someone we love as possible such as hugging, kissing, and of course partaking in sex. Sex to some people is a very intimate activity because it requires to be physically as close as possible. It makes people feel happy, desirable, close, and so much more. Being in that space, asexuality where sexual desire is taken out of the picture seem unimaginable. It is similar to how most of the human population would never be able to imagine what it is like to be a psychopath, devoid of empathy and emotions. Our world revolves around emotions and our world also revolve around sex.
However, like most things in life, sexuality is not black and white. Asexuality is not that simple either. For example, some asexuals prefer not to have any partner and live happily alone. Other asexuals blend in and get married and their partner might never know they are asexuals in the first place. Some hold hands and some do not. A lot of people also wonder if asexuality only applies to sexual drive and lust, and has nothing to do with the act of sexual intercourse itself. Because asexuality does not come in one size fits all, the term “grey asexuality” or “asexual umbrella” or “asexual spectrum” has been brought to life by the asexuality community. I have firsthand experience with this. Back when I was having a million questions about my sexuality, I was told by my therapist that an asexual spectrum exists and I fall somewhere on it; sexuality was fluid.
As an ESTJ, I was stubborn. I was not satisfied with that answer. I need a word to help me understand what I am. With a lot of digging, I finally figured it out. Demisexuality is a gray asexuality that fits for a very particular group of people. I am one of them. At first, I identified as asexual for the longest time due to my lack of sexual drive and lust for anyone, men or women. Asexuality did not quite fit me, but it was close enough. The reason it did not exactly fit was because whenever I fell in love with someone though a genuine connection and trust, I started wanting to touch them and be physically close to them. My body would seek them out. Is this what other people called “being sexually attracted” to someone? I am not quite sure, but being physical and even sexual with someone I genuinely have feelings for did not seem quite bad. This is what it means to be a demisexual- where the line of emotions/feelings and physical attraction is blurred together.
A lot of people question the legitimacy of this sexuality on the basis of “I also want to have sex with someone I have feelings for too”. There is a difference. Everyone who says that have a choice. Demisexuals have no choice. If a heterosexual choose to and it was attainable, they would agree to a one night stand with an extremely attractive celebrity. Easy decision for them. A demisexual would not. Why? Because a demisexual do not know the celebrity on a deeper level and would be unable to feel any sexual attraction towards that celebrity, no matter how attractive they are objectively. It might even be painful to have sex with such celebrity, as it would be in my case. Demisexuality has no room for surface level sexual attraction due to appearances or fame or anything else. The sexual attraction is solely based on an emotional connection.
In conclusion, being a demisexual is not easy and come with a lot of challenges. For us, the dating pool always feels more limited because people who identify with demisexuality need more time to build a connection in order to operate like everyone else. People do not understand this. People question and sometimes even resent this. Sometimes, even in the asexual community, demisexuality is not accepted. My final thoughts lie here though- in a world where people are always seeking the next best thing as quick as possible, demisexuality doesn’t quite fit in. However, when you find the right person after countless searching, that is one of the most satisfying and rewarding turning points for a demisexual. I want this for all my demis out there. And for everyone else, I hope this post and my future post on this topic shed some light on this topic on demisexuality. Thank you.
Geeky Musings with Anaitic 